Today has been a hard day. I attended the wake of a man I knew last evening. Since hearing about his death I just haven’t felt settled. Seeing his family grieving yesterday, each in their own way, has been drawing me into a deeper reflective head space. I want to be alone to ponder and digest what’s happened, what they’re going through, how to respond.
But, I am a mom now. Before that I’m even a wife. I woke up grumpy, feeling drained of emotion. Hubby was chippy with lots of love and questions that I wasn’t ready to reciprocate, baby was fussy and wanting more of me then I was ready to give. To top it all off Micah grabbed for my coffee spilling it on the couch. “Ugh, can I please go back to bed? I’m not ready for this yet.”
The answer is, “no”, I don’t get to reset or hide from these feelings or perceived problems anymore. They are the wake of my existence now. It’s hard, but is it bad?
I really don’t think that all things hard are bad. In fact I think the hardest things are what make the world better. Grieving losses, having to be intentional, putting forth effort and setting priorities; lead us to learn patience and self control along the way. Today, hard is, waiting patiently for that ‘moment to myself’ to ponder the things that are on my heart and I appreciate it. I’m not scrolling Facebook or Pinterest! lol
So, I made another pot of coffee, set the diffuser, put the baby down for a nap. (Thank God he cooperated and went down for a nap!) And- here I am, in the middle of my day reflecting.
Allowing it all to settle down in the depths of my heart where it belongs.
Not floating precariously around in my head where is causes confusion and angry emotions.
Soaking, praying, singing, writing.
Just for a few minutes.
The baby will wake up soon, I’ll reach the bottom of my mug, but I’ll cherish this quiet moment.