On Sunday I left Micah in the nursery with the nursery worker. Gasp! How non attachment parenting! I went into service and, “did my best” to focus on the worship music and then the sermon. My best was very weak. I felt like I was literally holding myself in the sanctuary. I kept checking my phone to see if the nursery worker had text me. Nothing… I was literally looking for a reason to leave and go see him. Finally my milk let down so I ‘had’ to go… I thought, “I’m ridiculous.”
During that time I gained one helpful, spiritual-growth type of lesson. We were singing an older song that goes, “…in all I do, I honor you.” I had this epiphany that my worship has taken on a new look. My genetic makeup has changed and my worship is now that of a mother’s. When I am changing a poop explosion, I can give God my worship. When I’m comforting a gassy crying baby, I honor God. When I’m at my wits end in the night, it is my ‘sacrificial’ worship. When my nipples are sore from feeding through a growth spurt, I nurse my baby and pray, and worship. (TMI? This is the real deal people!)
My worship is beyond a prayer and a song. It’s serving God by taking care of the treasure he’s gifted me with, while using the talents he’s given me, even when it’s hard. I can’t explain the amazing patience I’ve experienced, or joy when I should be crying of exhaustion. The verse that says “when I am weak, then I am strong.” is so relevant right now. How could I really do this as the person I used to be?
2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NIV)
“9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Am I ridiculous for needing to go to my baby? Some might think so. I think God’s blessed me with a new form of worship. In all I do, I will delight in the Grace that is sufficient and worship the one who made me who I am. In all I do, including figuring out what this weird and amazing attachment means that’s between me and my child.
Just to clarify, I’m not worried about leaving my baby with the people in the nursery. I’m not worried about being apart from him for a little while. I worry a little bit that he’s chewing on a toy that’s not his, but really that’s not the feeling I get in my gut when I’m apart from him. It’s not fear that somethings going to happen. It’s simply separation. We are literally ALWAYS together. Being parted even for an hour is simply a break in the new normal. It doesn’t feel right. I think that’s OK. We were literally attached for the first 9 months of his physical existence…. I think I’m allowed to feel a little weird.
Any other mama’s go through a paradigm shift in your first months?