I have joy in waiting

7 May

20180507_08053420180507_08054720180507_080534My blog is supposed to be about taking a journey through life together, yet I’ve hardly had a moment in months to even think about what I’d want to write about in my life, and previously it’s been mostly fluff and unfinished thoughts. This will probably be a one off for a while as it is.

I’m processing some thoughts and you my blog and followers seemed like the right place to go. Because this is me, my thoughts, my journey. I hope you’ll join me in this adventure of the heart.

This weekend was incredibly full and has left my mind full to the brim with conversations, ideas and general struggle between my introvert and extrovert sides. I’m not perfectly either. I’ve been told I’m a social introvert. I love all the people time. I’ve gained something from it, but I’m also exhausted. Maybe a bit discouraged on some fronts too. That’s why we’re here!

A common theme in conversation this weekend was, “second child” and essentially, “why aren’t we pregnant again yet?”

None of those asking were being rude or malicious, though some have asked many, multiple, bazillion times. 😜

Here’s the thing. My husband and I do want to have a second. I have PCOS. (hormone imbalance, resulting in irregular periods etc.) We tried four years to conceive Micah. It’s been about four months we’ve been trying for number two. I’m not at all anxious to get pregnant right now. I want to be, but I have this delightful peace about the process. Yes, I expect it will take a while. But truly truly truly, there is joy in the waiting. I only feel pressure when I have to explain this out loud. Sometimes multiple times. I feel like people don’t believe me. We’re not in a hurry. I know I’m getting older. Yes, I know I have graying hair. Yes I’m still I’m my early 30’s.

When I was undergoing treatment to figure out why I couldn’t get pregnant about five years ago, I was incredibly scared, anxious, depressed and hopeless. I had such a journey to come to terms with my condition and those big emotions and I’m so glad I didn’t give up. I wish I’d recorded the process thoroughly but none the less I’m so thankful for where I’ve come to. Not just motherhood, the physical outcome of the journey but also the inner stuff that’s happened. Something changed in my brain during that waiting process. I learned the difference between waiting passively and actively and I learned a new kind of inner beauty that comes with quiet, active, joyful, hopeful waiting. A paradigm shift, renewing of the mind… What ever you want to call it. I feel different. I like it.

I like that I don’t feel instantly angry anymore when things don’t go my way especially when I’m in a hurry to do something. I used frustrated soooo much. When it comes to having another baby or buying a house (another issue of haste to many in my world) I don’t want to rush. I want to really experience the journey. I want to breath in each day not wishing them away to another part of my life. (We make plans, but sometimes they don’t happen, or happen the way we planned. That’s ok too.)

I love just having Micah right now. He’s a wonderful person. When I have a new baby I might not get to soak in the precious moments with him the same way. I want to enjoy it while it is what it is and then watch it grow when, God willing, he becomes an awesome big brother. Isn’t it a beautiful thought to have to wait in such a wonderful space?

Part of the thing I find joyful about waiting is that if done right, it’s rest. Like Sabbath, soul refreshing, happy place ‘rest.’ Waiting is a space to quiet the mind and relax in simply who I am. Not in who I’m going to be or who others want me to be but just me as I am naturally. I read a quote once that paraphrased told a short story of a man who when he gets to heaven is not asked, “why were you not Moses? or why were you not Abraham? He was asked, why were you not Zusya?”

Why were you not you? Were you too busy to even know who you are? “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

“Be still…”, the first part of that verse is like the answer to ninety percent of my issues I this life. “…and know that I am God.” as I continue to wait I think that second part starts to reveal something in me too. Something bigger then just me but it allows me to be more fully me. A not rushing me who is not trying to change or be more because the one I’m waiting with loves me beyond reason. Changes need to happen but maybe they come with patience. Maybe they don’t need to be forced. Maybe there is nothing to prove or explain at all when the inner world it’s quiet and content. Maybe being a little slow, a little quiet, will mean being a lot content. I am content and at the same time hopeful and even excited about what’s to come.

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