When the stick is negative…. again.

29 May

When the stick is negative again, is there still joy in waiting? I’m five days past my expected period, I was taking the supplement that normally keeps my period regular. I have been having trouble sleeping and feeling tired every day.  There are many reasons to feel anxious about possibly getting pregnant this time (again). That 2-3 weeks of waiting between ovulation and next expected period are long and full of hopes and wondering if every little physical and mental change could possibly be a symptom of pregnancy; Is there still joy in that?

My heart is tender, but there is still joy. What it comes down to is this: BE STILL.

When I pause to observe the beauty of nature, or of my son, or (Lord bless the poor man) my husband. I have joy. When I breath in and out deeply and stretch, there is joy.

This morning when I did the pregnancy test, I had so many mixed emotions. In another life I would have liked to simply shut down for the day week, or busy myself with tedious jobs to find some form of tangible worth. For one thing, it’s not really possible when trying to raise a tender child, and for another, that’s not me anymore. I want to persevere.  I want to be a conquer. I must – be still.

Today I am thankful that the weather is sunny and warm. We took off to our favorite park, in my community that I love. The sun shining and tons of familiar people to make small talk with around me. I still felt distracted. As a friend stared to open up to me I realized how out of myself I was and I had to regroup. I looked up into the trees, leaves rustling sun peaking through the branches, birds giving me a song; I heard in my heart again, “Be still.”

Deep breath, start again. As I reengaged with my friend things took a better turn. The conversation flowed, there was connection. There was joy. There is much to do the rest of this day, including some tedious jobs, but my worth isn’t in accomplishing them. My worth is in who I am and I am most fully myself when I am still from the inside out. I’m as much writing this to show you where I am at as I am to remind myself. These readable tangible words help me to hear my own heart beat and re center. Joy and tenderness are certainly not exclusive in this case. Here I am. Now for the boldness to publish.

Be kind 🙂

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